Monday August 31st 2009

did you know...

Burger Kings original name was Insta Burger King

today was somewhat difficult for me. it's the 12th anniversary of when Princess Diana died. I know, that sounds silly. but that day started me down a path that has changed me forever. 12 years ago yesterday we had a birthday party for our kids. David was 6 and Hannah was 2. we went to Chuck E. Cheese with family and friends. It was a really nice party and we came home tired but the kids were happy so we were too. within a few moments of turning on the t.v. we heard that Princess Di had been in a car accident and had a broken arm. the news continued for a few hours with each report sounding more grim. I could not tear away from the television. I cried endlessly that week, although I wasn't sure why. how did this have anything to do with me? sure, lots of people were sad. but I felt crushed. and scared. A few months later the movie Titanic opened and I became totally obsessed with it. I actually saw it at the movies 23 times. in the theatre! the 3rd time I saw it I became ill during the movie with a terrible headache. to cut this story so it's not quite a novel (lol) I wound up in the emergency room critically ill with potassium depletion. after a few I.V. bags of potassium (which is VERY painful) I was driven home by a friend. after that, every headache or wave of dizziness began a journey of fear for me. I began having panic attacks. I was afraid to drive in the car anytime there was traffic or a over pass for fear of getting caught and having an attack. I was scared to go to the drug store. It took me a long time to figure out that the events were all tied together. I was so fearful of how life can change in an instant and that everything could be lost. One wrong decision could turn everything upside down. should I leave for the store now? or wait 5 minutes? what if I wait and become involved in a car accident I could have avoided by better timing? would I have stayed on the huge, warm ship? or gotten off into a lifeboat in the freezing water? things that looked simple became difficult for me to make decisions about. after a few years of fear and panic, therapy and meds I began to realize I could not, no matter what, control the out come of anything. I had no control. at first that was terrifying but after a while it was almost calming. it really didn't matter how i tried to force any situation. it would turn out the way it was meant to. after that I made a pact with myself to concur a fear every year. I started going to the dentist every 3 months so that years wouldn't build and keep me from going. eventually, the dentist became no big deal and I go every 6 mos. now. I took swimming lessons to end my endless nightmares of giant waves washing me away. I trained and completed the Breast Cancer 3 day/60 mile walk to prove to myself I could push myself physically after years of battle with my body, weight and a fibromyalgia diagnosis. and the biggest fear of all, flying. I flew, by myself, to a workshop to spend days with people I had never met. I took a taxi and even stayed in one of the teachers homes. that trip really turned everything around. I am no longer afraid of making choices and taking chances. I met people on that trip (Anne, Andrea, Bria) that will be in my life forever (I hope) and from them it has branched out to a whole world of friends and experiences I never would have had. so maybe leaving your little safe environment seems the best strategy for staying alive. but are you really living? and honestly, couldn't an airplane fall from the sky and crash into your home and kill you while you watched t.v. in your jammies eating chocolate ice cream?

that is why, on August 31st I think about Princess Di and on April 15th I think of all the people that died when the Titanic sunk. because in a very strange way, they helped save me.